I wanted to make a wee post as recently my mental health has been ALL over the place. Sometimes I cant seem to leave the house...sometimes all I want to do is get out of the house. Anxiety and Depression effect everyone differently. This is how mine effects me.


I love my friends dearly. When I'm feeling low or anxious..there are very few people that I can be around. Its not that I don't want to be around people. I just physically feel that I cant. I cant talk, I cant joke, I cant laugh. All I can do is sit...and I think "who would want to even be around me right now".

I wanted to express this as, I feel absolutely SHATTERED if I think someone that I like and respect doesn't like me. Quite often, for big social events, or even small ones for that matter, I need to prep myself to be social for days before hand, and then for days after, I spend so much time wondering if I did or say anything wrong, to upset anyone, or embarrass myself or others. Its exhausting.

As much as I preach about not caring what people say about me online (which is somewhat true now...but very hard to learn, and only really applies to strangers ), I care TOO much about what people think about me when it comes to those that I know, love, admire, and respect. I feel devastated if I think that I did something to make anyone have any ill will or negative feelings towards me, so I over compensate with a big smile, bubbly personality, and I tend to ramble on and on. Im very good at hiding my mental health. Nearly everyone ive ever told about my mental health struggles, has said "wow I never would have guessed", or sometimes even, dont believe me.

I am an empath and when someone I love is feeling badly, I do too, or wonder if im the one that caused them to feel that way. I also over analyse EVERYTHING...and constantly worry that if someone says "im fine" for example, that must mean "Im not fine and I hate you and you've ruined my life"
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I wanted to make this post as I dont want anyone to think, if ive ever cancelled plans last min, or didn't come to an event, its that I didn't want to or didn't like you. It really isn't. Mostly its that I just simply cant bring myself to go out. It kills me as I used to be SUCH a social butterfly, going out every night, always making new friends, etc. I miss those carefree days. I miss my friends and not seeing them as often as I used to...and others are not even in my life anymore. I know people drift apart, move away, get married, etc. Lives change and people grow apart...but in my mind...for the most part, it feels like its my fault.

Another reason I posted this is because it helps to open up and talk about it. I cant possibly be the only one who feels this way, and I know, for me, knowing im not alone really helps. Life isn't always as perfect as it appears to be on Facebook, and sometimes its nice to "keep it real". I have a very blessed life...but no ones life is all sunshine and rainbows all the time.
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Thank you to those who know, and who help, even if they dont know they are helping. Sending love, understanding last min cancellations or declines, sending cute puppy photos, or just checking in. It's always lovely to get messages from friends just saying hi. I'm not the best at doing that myself as I always feel like a bother...even tho I never feel that way when I get a message. Funny how the brain works huh?

This photo was created by Sarah Bowman Photography, and I feel it very accurately depicts me (weather she meant to or not).  Both a powerful, outgoing, strong woman, who loves going out and being the centre of attention, and a shy, quiet, thoughtful girl who loves to be at home with her dog under a blanket and hoping no one notices her.  An ambervert in every way. 

If you are dealing with mental health issues, you are not alone.  For me, talking about it helps.  Everyone's experiences are different and everyone deals with it in different ways.  But one thing that remains the same throughout is that we need to stop the stigma and shame that comes with mental health.  Talk to those you love and trust, or reach out to your local mental health hotline for help.  And I am always here for you as well.  <3

As most people know, I have a love for pin-up.  It was how I got my start in modelling, and I have always loved the grace and style of the fashions of the 40's - 60's.  That is why I love Heart of Haute!  They are a mother/daughter founded company based just outside of LA.  I shot with them for the second time this past March while I was in California and, as always, had the BEST time.  

Their garments are not only well made, and locally made (right in house in their LA warehouse!) but their designs and prints are unique, flattering, and my favourite, SHOWSTOPPING!!! The best part is, there is something for everyone!  Of course they are great for the retro/piniup look, but loads of their pieces can be worn even if you aren't into that look so much!  So many beautiful sun dresses perfect for a patio or a day at the beach!

They have sizes from XS-4X and a wide variety of dresses, separates, and even bridal and children's wear!

Here are some photos from our last shoot.  Check them out, and shop here:  

​http://heartofhaute.myshopify.com?rfsn=212691.5c4ff

There are so many amazing plus size lingerie brands, and my newest sponsor gotcurves.ca is JUST the place to find them!  

They are launching next month, with exclusive brands, such as Shirly of Hollywood, Dreamgirl Lingerie, and my favourite, Coquette (also Canadian, and one of my clients!)

I am so excited to do my first exclusive shoot for them this month in Las Vegas!  So be sure to stay tuned!  The service is amazing, really helpful with sizing questions, and FAST shipping.  Their dedication to curves is amazing.  They are Canada's ONLY on-line retailer dedicated to ONLY plus sizing.  They strongly believe (as do I) that curvy women ALSO deserve to look and feel sexy in lingerie, and they are here to help you achieve just that! 

Right now, as a special offer from GotCurves.ca and myself, follow this link, enter your email address, and you could win a $100 gift card once the site goes live!!!!  

http://www.gotcurves.ca/?ref=0c1f40b687 

Good luck!!!  And happy Shopping!!!  
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As I'm sure you could have guessed (I am a girl after all...) I LOVE shoes!  I even have a ROOM dedicated to my shoes!  So when I was contacted by Shoe Freaks to work together, I of course jumped on the opportunity!!

I was even MORE excited when I received my first pair...this AMAZING pair of green, sparkly Bordellos!  Bordello shoes are one of my favourite brands to wear for photo shoots.  They are SKY high, (so therefore make my legs look amazing, as well as make me SUPER tall....when I wear my Bordello's, Im over 6'2! )

I also find Bordello's to be really comfortable due to the platform front (at least in this, the Teeze style).  Yes they are high, but the front platform means that the arch isn't as high as in other shoes, so there for feel better to walk in.  That being said, they are still very high, and if you're anything like me (very clumsy!!) always be careful when doing things like walking down stairs!  

I also find Bordello's fit quite tight.  I normally wear a size 10W in shoes, but in Bordello's I go up in size to a size 12.  That way there is no rubbing.  I don't get blisters (thank goodness!!) and can walk perfectly fine!  

My favourite thing about these shoes is how well they are made.  I have about 5 pairs of Bordello's that I wear very frequently for photoshoots...and every pair still looks brand new.  I was worried about the glitter coming off of this pair, but so far, I haven't noticed any glitter anywhere but the shoes!  BONUS!  If theres one thing my fiance hates...its loose glitter.  Its gets EVERYWHERE and is nearly impossible to get rid of...but so far, I haven't had to worry about it!

I wore the shoes for the first time (other than strutting around my house admiring my sparkly feet) this Monday for a "green" theme'd photo shoot.  They were the PERFECT fit!  They added the height I wanted, and jazzed up the outfit the perfect amount.  Even though you can only see a peek of them, I think they really do catch your eye.  But I must say, I cannot wait to do another shoot with them where I can show them off even MORE!!!  

I was recently asked to speak at the Kelty Mental Health Pinwheel Education Series on Mental Health and Weight Bias.  It was a wonderful experience.  The talk took place at Children Hospital, a place that is very near and dear to my heart, as they saved my life multiple times as a baby.  I spoke along side some extremely educated, inspirational women. I wanted to share my speech, in hopes of having it reach a wider audience.  Thank you so much to the Kelty Mental Heath Resource Centre for having me.  I hope to focus my attention in 2016 to doing more public speaking, and helping people more.  This was a wonderful way to start.  

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When I started writing out what I was going to say…I was stuck.  I stared at an empty screen for about an hour, not knowing what I could say that would help, that would make a difference.  Who would even want to hear my story?  But then I though…THIS…THIS is what living with mental illness is like!  I suffer from depression AND anxiety.  I used to think there was something wrong with me.  As I get older, my feelings get more intense and more frequent.  Even just writing this, and thinking it over, gave me anxiety. 
 
I constantly apologize for things I shouldn’t.  I apologize for being sad, or upset, or nervous.  Things that are beyond my control.  I am so fortunate to have an amazing support system.  My fiancé has helped me to realize that mental illness isn’t anything to be ashamed of, or apologize for.  It is just that…an ILLNESS…just like a cold, the flu, hepatitis, or even cancer.  Its something that many people suffer with, and sadly, many people suffer in silence.  The average person suffering with mental illness suffers alone for  10 years before asking for help.  Medications can help some…but for me, what helps the most, is talking about it.  No longer will I suffer in silence.  I am not defined by my mental illness, and despite suffering with anxiety and depression, I can overcome it, and make a difference. 
 
I wear many hats.  I am a plus size model.  I am editor in chief of Beauty Mark Magazine, a quarterly publication that focuses on inner beauty, finding beauty in our unique qualities, and self love and appreciation.  I am vice president of Bonerattle talent, an alternative talent agency.  But above all that I am a partner, a daughter, a friend, and a sister.   

In August of 2015 I was alerted to a page called “Project Harpoon”.  The name in itself gives you an idea of how horrible this page was.  The object of the page was to shame plus size women of all walks of life for not being a size 0.  Although their “excuse” was trying to promote healthy living by showing women how much “better” they would look if they were slimmer.
 
 They took photos of women, mine included, and photo shopped them to appear MUCH smaller, and used captions such as “look how much more potential she has” and “from a depressed lump to a happy fox”.  They had taken a photo of me, altered it, and used it as their profile picture.   Not only was the photo shopping terrible, and the captions insulting, but the comments, written by people who didn’t even know who I was were the hardest to read.  I instantly reported the page, and shared the image in hopes of gaining assistance in getting the page removed.  Unfortunately, all this did was draw attention to the page itself, and it went viral.  Everyone was talking about this page, from people magazine, to cosmo, to local newspapers. I got a lot of negative attention for it.  I was called a lot of very hurtful names, and told that I should lose weight, I was a pig, and other horrible things.  I was even told to kill myself and the world would be better off without me.  It send me into a downward spiral of depression.  I began to wonder if those words were true?  I decided that the best thing for my mental health, was to simply ignore the problem.  The more I thought about that page, the worse my mental state was becoming. 
 
Then I was chatting to a friend about it, and she suggested, instead of ignoring the problem, and hoping it would go away…I should use this negative, and turn it into a positive.  I should rise above.  So I took to my blog to write my feelings.  It didn’t come easily…much like the speech, I started by staring at a blank page for a couple hours.  I fought with my anger, my hurt, and the frustration of the whole situation.  I wanted to write all that down and tell them how disgusting they are.  But I paused and thought about it.  This page was putting so much hate out into the world, and I didn’t want to add to that.  I wanted to turn the negative into a positive, and perhaps, try to help someone in the process.  

I started my blog out by thanking the page.  Thanking them for giving me the strength to overcome my anger and pen a blog with a purpose other than body shaming.  A quote from my blog.
 
“Thank you for showing me that I have the drive and determination to fight bullies like you.  Yes, you used my photo, yes, I read horrible, threatening, comments, yes, you even used my photo as your profile picture without my permission, but my fight isn’t for me.  I am a strong, confident, plus model, who is PROUD of her body.  It has gotten me through 31 years, of health, sickness, pain, freedom, love and adventure.  My body and I have been through a lot together, and I will not let on line bullies such as you make me feel bad about loving myself.  
The reason I fight you is for the thousands of women out there who aren't where I am yet.  Who don’t love their bodies.  Some of the girls you photo shopped weren’t models or celebrities, but just everyday girls.  They might not have confidence, but they posted that photo on a day they felt good about themselves, and you BUTCHERED it with your atrocious photo shopping, and made them feel bad.  What if she isn't happy with her body, and had been trying to be healthy and more confident.  What if that photo WAS her after she hit her goal weight (no, not everyone’s goal weight is a size 2), and you dragged her through the mud.  How DARE you bring someone down, simply because she is not YOUR immature, close minded ideal!  It’s OK to have preferences, but it is NOT OK to make people feel bad because they aren’t yours.  Guess what, bullies and jerks are NEVER anyone’s preference.”  

(You can read my full blog below)

I found the writing of the blog in itself extremely therapeutic.  I was able to channel the negativity I was feeling into a greater purpose and turn a negative into a positive. I wanted the women who saw my photo, or others on the page, to realize that this page was run by a bunch of bullies who’s small minded opinion didn’t define them..  These bullies were feeding the mentality that there is only one way to be beautiful, and that needed to stop.   
 
The out pouring of support I received for my blog was incredible.  A few days after I published it…I was contacted by Good Morning America, who interviewed me about what I had experienced and my blog post.  The next week, I was on the cover of The Province Newspaper.  I was interviewed over 75 times in 2 weeks all over North America including the associated press, Buzzfeed, the Huffington Post, and many many more..  I was so overwhelmed, but so thankful that my blog, and my words, were becoming greater than the poison that “project harpoon” was spewing.  Instead of making people feel bad about themselves, I was helping people, and that was the most important, and healing thing of all.  My message of love, self acceptance, and positivity was being heard.  I realized that love always trumps hate.  Love always wins.  

​A study recently came out of Simon Fraser University and California State University entitled:
“The (Ironic) Dove Effect: Usage of Acceptance Cues for Larger Body Types Increases Unhealthy Behaviors”

http://www.brentmcferran.com/Brent_McFerran/Papers_files/jppm%20final.pdf

The study states that body positive ad/body accepting campaigns such as the Dove campaigns are leading people to live unhealthier lifestyles, with unhealthy food choices, lack of exercise, etc.  It also states that manufacturers and advertisers using plus size women is contributing to the increase in obesity rates in first world countries. 
I was recently sent the study to read, and was asked my opinion on it by CBC.  I was interviewed by Dan Burritt for the 6:00 pm news and although the interview was a great platform to get my opinion out there, I left feeling there was so much more I had to say.  I decided to take to my blog to express my thoughts on this study. 
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First of all, I’d like to ask you, the reader, for your opinion.  Has seeing my photos, or photos of any plus models, average women, or body positive campaigns ever led you to live a less healthy life?  Have you thought…”oh well, she’s plus size, it must be ok to eat that deep fried mars bar?”  Because this has never happened to me, nor have I ever heard of it happening to anyone.  What you see on TV and in the media does not go hand in hand with what kind of food we put in our bodies and how healthy we are or choose to live. Sure people have role-models they look up to, or bodies they wish they had.  That is natural…but linking these ideas to obesity is as absurd as saying watching the Victoria secret fashion show leads to anorexia. Eating disorders don't come from seeing a picture, and the same goes for obesity.  I’m sure there are people out there who are influenced by the media, but both obesity and anorexia or eating disorders of any kind are SO much more complex than this study makes them out to be.  We all have a different idea of health and we need to take that into consideration.  It’s not simply about being happy in the body that you are in, but it is also about finding out what is healthy for YOU.  Everyone’s body is different.  There are things we can do to be healthier and there are things that are beyond our control.  Striving to be the best version of ourselves is what we should all aim to do, instead of striving to be someone we are not.  We cannot all be Victoria secret models.  As beautiful as they are, there are many more definitions of beauty in the world, and we need to be accepting of ALL of them.

I found this study, and the way it was conducted to be very simplistic in thinking and did not count for the many many factors that lead to weight gain or loss.  One cannot simply blame the media.  There are FAR too many factors that go into someone’s weight.  I feel another flaw in this study is that they fail to define “plus size” or “larger body type”.  Do they define this as simply larger than someone with an eating disorder? But still thin?  Normal “average” size? Or clinically obese?  There are a WIDE range of body sizes, and they failed to touch on this, and how they define “plus size”.  Without this definition, it’s hard to prove their point.     

Let’s start with the food we put in our bodies.  Yes, the general population has grown in body size over the past century.  But let’s also think about the food we are now eating.  Sugary foods, fast food, trans fats, processed food, additives, preservatives, and GMO’s.  Those are not healthy, and for the most part, were not around 100 years ago.  Although we all know how unhealthy these foods are, many low income earners simply cannot afford to eat all natural, organic food all the time.  Sometimes in order to simply put food on the table, it needs to be mac and cheese or McDonalds.  I’m sure it’s not ideal for them, but who are we to judge?  Also medications that a lot of us find ourselves on at one point or another may cause one to gain or lose weight drastically. As the average size grows, as will the mannequins we see in stores, models used, and sizes of clothing.  That is just natural, normal and expected!  But with that said, I try to eat as healthy as I can and I am still a comfortable size 12.  When I was my smallest (a size 8, which by the way is the standard in the industry of “plus size”…anything size 8 and up) I was NOT healthy and was striving to be a size 2, which would be completely unnatural on my frame.  Not everyone is built the same and to say we all need to be a certain size or shape is small minded and quite frankly, unrealistic. 

In the 1700 and 1800’s plus size and Rubenesque women were considered the idealistic female form, but there is little to no evidence that the obesity rate in that era is greater than it is now!  Obesity’s definition is a medical term describing people who significant medical problems caused by or made worse by their weight.  

 The study also speaks of BMI (Body Mass Index) quite often and how people who have a high BMI are considered overweight or obese.  BMI is NOT a valid way to rate one’s health as it does not take into consideration the person’s, bone mass, muscle mass, etc.  BMI cannot be used as an accurate gauge of someone’s health.   It can be a hint, but not the be all and end all.

​Just the other day, a photo was posted of me 4 years ago, and about 30lbs lighter.  One comment was made how I have ballooned in weight since then and it must be a thyroid condition.  We need to all remember that health and weight do not go hand in hand.  A person who is a size 0 can be just as healthy as someone who is a size 22.  On the other hand, the same goes for being unhealthy.  You cannot judge someone’s health by their weight.  Only a doctor can do that, and it is certainly no-one else’s business. For example…for me, 4 years ago, and 30lbs ago, I was NOT healthy.  I would go days without eating, and was doing some self-destructive things (smoking, etc.) to prevent me from gaining weight.  I was depressed, anxious, and going through some seriously stressful times (we all know what stress can do to the body).  I am healthier now than I ever was then.  I am on medication for my depression (which lead me to gain weight but I am ok with that, as my mindset is much better), I eat healthy, but indulge when I want.  I work out, but don’t stress about it, and quit doing things to myself that were compromising my health. I’m much happier, less stressed, and although I am 30 lbs heavier, I am MUCH healthier! 

Although I don’t feel this study was done with malicious intent, the root of it is still body shaming those without the “ideal” shape.  They failed to take so many things into consideration, as stated above, and one cannot simply determine someone’s health by looking at them, or, in the study’s case, seeing how many chocolates were eaten when watching an ad.  That simply isn’t the basis for conclusive argument.  For example, there are MANY factors that may have gone into why the chocolates were/were not eaten.  Someone may hate chocolate, someone may love it, someone may have just eaten a huge meal and wasn’t hungry, or someone might have not eaten anything yet that day.  Also, I don’t know about you, but if I’m snacking while watching TV (or in this case, and ad) I’m not paying attention to how much I’m eating. The same could be said about the second part of the study where participants were asked to create their ideal meal out of the given choices after watching said ads.  Some may have dietary restrictions; some people may have a certain craving, or perhaps weren’t feeling great and didn’t want much food.  There are so many factors that go into these decisions, that it is nearly impossible for this study to put the sole blame on ads and media.   
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At the end of the day, plenty of naturally tiny girls are healthy, and many naturally bigger girls are healthy, so the message is, be who you are and be healthy. If you're a size 0 because you have a diagnosed eating disorder then you should seek help. If you're a size 22 and your doctor has told you you're morbidly obese and in danger of diabetes, then you should seek help. I don’t feel that I am promoting obesity being a plus model, I am simply trying to promote acceptance and show the world that the spectrum of beauty is broader than size 0-4. My message is to help people be happy and healthy. This means showing a new standard of beauty that is most often represented in the media. 

 I'm sure that eating disorder experts would scoff at the idea that developing an eating disorder is directly correlated to the size of models in the Victoria secret fashionshow.  Plenty of people see beautiful size 0's and don't suddenly develop an eating disorder! Plenty of people see beautiful size 22's and don't seek to put on weight! The great thing about size 0 - 22 (or whatever size!) models is that every one can find their place on the beauty spectrum. Health is a non-negotiable. Everyone should be healthy, but that looks different for everyone. Saying that a size 8 is the best, most healthy size is unreasonable because every 'body' is different.  It should be stressed that saying that being plus size automatically means you're unhealthy is just wrong. I see plenty of people running marathons that have nothing close to a thigh gap and have taped their chest down to keep it from making them uncomfortable for them as they run. 
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I would like to finish by saying that people are worth so much more than their body, and looks.  As I go into the New Year, my resolution will be to compliment people on things OTHER than their appearance.  There is so much pressure in the media and society to be “pretty” and “perfect”, but to me, that’s not what makes a person.  I didn’t choose my friends or fiancé by how they look.  I chose them because of their hearts, their brains, how they make me laugh, and how I feel good when I’m around them.  The world needs to stop putting such an emphasis (especially on women) on how they look.  In the future, at my funeral, I would hope people have more to say about me than “she was pretty”.


xoxo

​Ruby

Dear Project Harpoon,

First, what I really want to say is FUCK YOU….but I don’t want to start my letter off with even more hate.  You’ve already put enough of that out into the world, so instead, I will say THANK YOU.  Thank you for showing me that I have the drive and determination to fight bullies like you.  Yes, you used my photo, yes, I read horrible, threatening, comments, yes, you even used my photo as your profile picture without my permission, but my fight isn’t for me.  I am a strong, confident, plus model, who is PROUD of her body.  It has gotten me through 31 years, of health, sickness, pain, freedom, love and adventure.  My body and I have been through a lot together, and I will not let online bullies such as you make me feel bad about loving myself. 
The reason I fight you is for the thousands of women out there who aren’t where I am yet.  Who don’t love their bodies.  Some of the girls you photoshopped weren’t models or celebrities, but just everyday girls.  They might not have confidence, but they posted that photo on a day they felt good about themselves, and you BUTCHERED it with your atrocious photoshopping, and made them feel bad.  What if she isn’t happy with her body, and had been trying to be healthy and more confident.  What if that photo WAS her after she hit her goal weight (no, not everyone’s goal weight is a size 2), and you dragged her through the mud.  How DARE you bring someone down, simply because she is not YOUR immature, close minded ideal!  It’s ok to have preferences, but it is NOT ok to make people feel bad because they aren’t yours.  Guess what, bullies and jerks are NEVER anyone’s preference.  

Images of Tess Holiday and Rebel Wilson that were altered.