I wanted to make a wee post as recently my mental health has been ALL over the place. Sometimes I cant seem to leave the house...sometimes all I want to do is get out of the house. Anxiety and Depression effect everyone differently. This is how mine effects me.
I love my friends dearly. When I'm feeling low or anxious..there are very few people that I can be around. Its not that I don't want to be around people. I just physically feel that I cant. I cant talk, I cant joke, I cant laugh. All I can do is sit...and I think "who would want to even be around me right now".
I wanted to express this as, I feel absolutely SHATTERED if I think someone that I like and respect doesn't like me. Quite often, for big social events, or even small ones for that matter, I need to prep myself to be social for days before hand, and then for days after, I spend so much time wondering if I did or say anything wrong, to upset anyone, or embarrass myself or others. Its exhausting.
As much as I preach about not caring what people say about me online (which is somewhat true now...but very hard to learn, and only really applies to strangers ), I care TOO much about what people think about me when it comes to those that I know, love, admire, and respect. I feel devastated if I think that I did something to make anyone have any ill will or negative feelings towards me, so I over compensate with a big smile, bubbly personality, and I tend to ramble on and on. Im very good at hiding my mental health. Nearly everyone ive ever told about my mental health struggles, has said "wow I never would have guessed", or sometimes even, dont believe me.
I am never one thing, all the time. Sometimes I love being social. For example, I went to a wedding this weekend. I had so much fun dancing and joking with friendly strangers, sharing memories with friends old and new, and even getting up and saying my best man speech in front of 150 people...but, after the last Christmas party I hosted, even though I had an amazing time, I didn't sleep for 2 days after wondering if everyone had fun. Sometimes, I love being the centre of attention!!! And sometimes, I excuse myself to the bathroom...just to get some alone time for 5 min and re-group. Id say im an Introverted Extrovert, also known as an Ambivert.
I am an empath and when someone I love is feeling badly, I do too, or wonder if im the one that caused them to feel that way. I also over analyse EVERYTHING...and constantly worry that if someone says "im fine" for example, that must mean "Im not fine and I hate you and you've ruined my life"
I wanted to make this post as I dont want anyone to think, if ive ever cancelled plans last min, or didn't come to an event, its that I didn't want to or didn't like you. It really isn't. Mostly its that I just simply cant bring myself to go out. It kills me as I used to be SUCH a social butterfly, going out every night, always making new friends, etc. I miss those carefree days. I miss my friends and not seeing them as often as I used to...and others are not even in my life anymore. I know people drift apart, move away, get married, etc. Lives change and people grow apart...but in my mind...for the most part, it feels like its my fault.
Another reason I posted this is because it helps to open up and talk about it. I cant possibly be the only one who feels this way, and I know, for me, knowing im not alone really helps. Life isn't always as perfect as it appears to be on Facebook, and sometimes its nice to "keep it real". I have a very blessed life...but no ones life is all sunshine and rainbows all the time.
Thank you to those who know, and who help, even if they dont know they are helping. Sending love, understanding last min cancellations or declines, sending cute puppy photos, or just checking in. It's always lovely to get messages from friends just saying hi. I'm not the best at doing that myself as I always feel like a bother...even tho I never feel that way when I get a message. Funny how the brain works huh?
This photo was created by Sarah Bowman Photography, and I feel it very accurately depicts me (weather she meant to or not). Both a powerful, outgoing, strong woman, who loves going out and being the centre of attention, and a shy, quiet, thoughtful girl who loves to be at home with her dog under a blanket and hoping no one notices her. An ambervert in every way.
If you are dealing with mental health issues, you are not alone. For me, talking about it helps. Everyone's experiences are different and everyone deals with it in different ways. But one thing that remains the same throughout is that we need to stop the stigma and shame that comes with mental health. Talk to those you love and trust, or reach out to your local mental health hotline for help. And I am always here for you as well. <3