My life living with Anxiety, Depression, and Ambiversion.

6/28/2016

I wanted to make a wee post as recently my mental health has been ALL over the place. Sometimes I cant seem to leave the house...sometimes all I want to do is get out of the house. Anxiety and Depression effect everyone differently. This is how mine effects me.

I love my friends dearly. When I'm feeling low or anxious..there are very few people that I can be around. Its not that I don't want to be around people. I just physically feel that I cant. I cant talk, I cant joke, I cant laugh. All I can do is sit...and I think "who would want to even be around me right now".

I wanted to express this as, I feel absolutely SHATTERED if I think someone that I like and respect doesn't like me. Quite often, for big social events, or even small ones for that matter, I need to prep myself to be social for days before hand, and then for days after, I spend so much time wondering if I did or say anything wrong, to upset anyone, or embarrass myself or others. Its exhausting.

As much as I preach about not caring what people say about me online (which is somewhat true now...but very hard to learn, and only really applies to strangers ), I care TOO much about what people think about me when it comes to those that I know, love, admire, and respect. I feel devastated if I think that I did something to make anyone have any ill will or negative feelings towards me, so I over compensate with a big smile, bubbly personality, and I tend to ramble on and on. Im very good at hiding my mental health. Nearly everyone ive ever told about my mental health struggles, has said "wow I never would have guessed", or sometimes even, dont believe me.

I am never one thing, all the time. Sometimes I love being social. For example, I went to a wedding this weekend. I had so much fun dancing and joking with friendly strangers, sharing memories with friends old and new, and even getting up and saying my best man speech in front of 150 people...but, after the last Christmas party I hosted, even though I had an amazing time, I didn't sleep for 2 days after wondering if everyone had fun. Sometimes, I love being the centre of attention!!! And sometimes, I excuse myself to the bathroom...just to get some alone time for 5 min and re-group. Id say im an Introverted Extrovert, also known as an Ambivert.

I am an empath and when someone I love is feeling badly, I do too, or wonder if im the one that caused them to feel that way. I also over analyse EVERYTHING...and constantly worry that if someone says "im fine" for example, that must mean "Im not fine and I hate you and you've ruined my life"

I wanted to make this post as I dont want anyone to think, if ive ever cancelled plans last min, or didn't come to an event, its that I didn't want to or didn't like you. It really isn't. Mostly its that I just simply cant bring myself to go out. It kills me as I used to be SUCH a social butterfly, going out every night, always making new friends, etc. I miss those carefree days. I miss my friends and not seeing them as often as I used to...and others are not even in my life anymore. I know people drift apart, move away, get married, etc. Lives change and people grow apart...but in my mind...for the most part, it feels like its my fault.

Another reason I posted this is because it helps to open up and talk about it. I cant possibly be the only one who feels this way, and I know, for me, knowing im not alone really helps. Life isn't always as perfect as it appears to be on Facebook, and sometimes its nice to "keep it real". I have a very blessed life...but no ones life is all sunshine and rainbows all the time.

Thank you to those who know, and who help, even if they dont know they are helping. Sending love, understanding last min cancellations or declines, sending cute puppy photos, or just checking in. It's always lovely to get messages from friends just saying hi. I'm not the best at doing that myself as I always feel like a bother...even tho I never feel that way when I get a message. Funny how the brain works huh?

This photo was created by Sarah Bowman Photography, and I feel it very accurately depicts me (weather she meant to or not). Both a powerful, outgoing, strong woman, who loves going out and being the centre of attention, and a shy, quiet, thoughtful girl who loves to be at home with her dog under a blanket and hoping no one notices her. An ambervert in every way.

If you are dealing with mental health issues, you are not alone. For me, talking about it helps. Everyone's experiences are different and everyone deals with it in different ways. But one thing that remains the same throughout is that we need to stop the stigma and shame that comes with mental health. Talk to those you love and trust, or reach out to your local mental health hotline for help. And I am always here for you as well. <3

6 Comments

dbc254 link

6/28/2016 11:41:46 am

You aren't alone. I can't imagine having a career that requires you to be an EXTRA extrovert, all the while feeling over-exposed and needing to get away. Not at your level of course. Sure there are those of us around the office wearing masks of pleasantness to disguise all kinds of goings on behind-the-scenes. But to feel this way as a public figure AND openly admit/express it to the world!?!?!

That's brass balls at its finest. KUDOS for having the "brass ones" to do this for others feeling the same way. Gotta be a small comfort in that?

Jose link

6/28/2016 02:34:56 pm

I am a long distance admirer who this post made me admire you even more. All the best too you, thank you for being so open and share your deep problems.
Wish you all the happiness in the world
Regards

R2d2

6/28/2016 05:09:57 pm

Wow. All I can tell is you're not alone! Honestly, your words are literally an exact match to my thought processes.

Thank you for sharing. I feel a little less alone reading it. :)

Nils link

6/29/2016 03:01:08 pm

Hey Ruby,
It is very strong of you to make the decision to talk about your mental health and write your feelings and thoughts down, explaining it so clearly.
You are far fron alone, many people suffer from mental health issues and most hide behind a mask they put up, exhausting themselves by holding uo an act to the world.
I suffer from similar, but not quiet the same struggles from the other side of the camera.
My main photography is events and gigs. When photographing live music i feel the need to connect with the artists, i want to get it, get the shots, meet them backstage and do portraits and chat away about music and arts, but very often can't move myself to make a connection and get past the basic shots. After comming home i feel like a fraud and useless and dont even want to look at photos i take, when editing i beat myself up over how awfull it all looks and the missed opportunities.
When i have large events comming up i know i can not go without talking to people and connecting, this makes me physically sick days in advance and i feel like running away in the day. My brain stops working, i forget basic things and slip into a mild panick attack.
Luckily i have few good friends that know and where i can rely on, and an amazing partner that will talk me through the day and remind me what things i need to do while i am there, while at the same time i am feeling like i do a half arsed job when i am frequently talking on my phone during a job, it is the thing that helps me get results.
I hate going in that state, because in the end i love doing what i do.

Suite143 link

12/20/2016 02:59:13 am

After reading this post, I'm not feeling alone anymore. thanks for this post it helps me survive being introvert.

anxiety link

12/20/2016 03:03:15 am

The last photo really hits me deep. Thanks for this post it makes me keep going.

My life living with Anxiety, Depression, and Ambiversion. ﻿